I've stayed silent for over a decade, but now this whole "global warming"
thing has gone too far. People are blaming CO2, automobiles, and sunspots,
trying to figure out why our world is in peril.
We've spent billions try to answer this question, and the regulations made to
counter the problem have cost billions more.
I thought this whole thing would have blown over by now, but 14 years later,
the hysteria is still going strong.
Maybe it's too late to save the money we've already spent, but maybe, by
confessing my crime in public, I can prevent future suffering.
I'm sure there will be criminal charges brought against me after this, but
I've been wracked with guilt since 1986, and I'm prepared to face the music.
I know the TRUE cause of global warming because, you see, it's me.
In 1986, I built a giant focusing mirror, designed to collect and focus solar
energy and disrupt the climate. I put the machine in Antarctica, thinking I
would start slow and build other mirrors later.
I blackmailed President Reagan for 290 million dollars, but after he paid
me...well...I forgot to turn it off...
I'm really sorry. My henchmen were killed by an elite squad of Navy Seals, my
personal zeppelin was sabotaged by an agent from the SAS, and I spent the past
decade hiding out in Peru.
I thought mechanical failure would take care of the problem, but I guess I
built the damn thing too well.
The mirror is still in place, and the globe gets a little hotter every year.
I have the coordinates and a detailed map to the device. I'm currently hiding
in my chateau in the Swiss alps, waiting for the authorities.
I hope the judge will take this apology into account during sentencing.
Oh, and I also did some stuff to the llamas, but we should be able to stop it,
if we act quickly.
Thank you for your attention.